10 Signs You May Have an Anxious Attachment Style (and How to Heal)
Understanding your attachment style is crucial for building healthier relationships and finding emotional security. One of the most common attachment styles is the anxious attachment style, where individuals often feel insecure and hyper-focused on their relationships. If you’ve ever felt like you give more love than you receive or struggle with constant worry in your relationships, you may resonate with these traits.
In this post, we’ll explore 10 signs that you might have an anxious attachment style, along with tips on how to work towards a more secure attachment. And if you’re ready to take the next step, check out the workbooks I offer, designed to guide you through the journey of becoming more securely attached.
- The Hustle for Worthiness
A major indicator of an anxious attachment style is the constant pursuit of worthiness. You may feel like you’re never quite good enough and that you need to do more, be more, or achieve more to deserve love. This “hustle for worthiness” is exhausting, with the goalposts for being “worthy” always moving.
Healing Tip: Start recognizing that your worth isn't tied to your actions. Practice self-compassion and affirmations that reinforce the idea that you are enough simply by being who you are.
For more help in breaking this cycle, check out my "Anxious Attachment Style Workbook" that offers tools to build self-worth and internal validation.
- You’re an Intimacy Junkie
People with anxious attachment styles are often craving deep intimacy. Small talk and surface-level interactions may feel unfulfilling. You want to get to the heart of who someone is quickly, and it can feel stressful if someone doesn’t open up in the way you want them to.
Healing Tip: Practice patience in getting to know others. Not everyone is ready to dive into deep conversations right away, and building a meaningful relationship takes time.
- You Feel Like You Love More
Anxiously attached people often feel like they’re loving more in relationships—giving more, caring more, and showing up more than their partners. This can stem from a focus on finding validation through others.
Healing Tip: Acknowledge that love isn’t a competition. Learn to let relationships flow naturally, without forcing intimacy or expecting constant reciprocation.
- Suppressing Your Needs to Avoid Abandonment
Early in relationships, you might suppress your true wants and needs to avoid pushing your partner away. This often leads to dissatisfaction and conflict later when your real needs emerge.
Healing Tip: Be honest from the start. It’s important to share your true self and your needs early on. Healthy relationships are built on authenticity, not people-pleasing.
Explore the "Boundary Setting Workbook", which will help you express your needs without fear of abandonment.
- Relationships Consume Your Thoughts
If you have an anxious attachment style, you may find that relationships dominate your thoughts. Conversations with friends and family often revolve around relationships, and when there’s conflict, it can be hard to focus on other parts of your life.
Healing Tip: Develop practices that help you detach when needed, like mindfulness or focusing on hobbies and personal growth.
- Overthinking and Obsessing Over Your Partner’s Feelings
When you're in a relationship, you may find yourself obsessing over what your partner is thinking or feeling, often interpreting small actions (like a delayed text) as signs they’re pulling away.
Healing Tip: Practice direct communication. Instead of interpreting your partner’s actions, ask for clarity in a calm and open way.
Check out the "Effective Communication Workbook" to learn how to have healthy conversations and ease your anxiety.
- Living in a Fantasy When You’re Single
Many people with anxious attachment styles sustain themselves through fantasies about future relationships or idealized partners, especially when they are single. This coping mechanism can prevent you from dealing with reality and healing.
Healing Tip: Use your alone time to build self-sufficiency and independence. Focus on hobbies, friendships, and personal development rather than fantasizing about future partners.
- Struggling to Set Boundaries
Anxiously attached individuals often struggle to set and maintain boundaries because they fear it will drive people away. You may know where your boundaries should be but feel too afraid to enforce them, worried that it will lead to rejection.
Healing Tip: Learn to honor your boundaries. It’s better to have a healthy boundary and risk losing someone who can’t respect it than to compromise your well-being.
Get started with the "Boundary Building Workbook", designed to help you set and keep boundaries in a way that feels safe.
- Putting People on Pedestals
You may often find yourself putting people on pedestals, imagining them as perfect or capable of meeting all your needs. When they don’t live up to this idealized image, you feel disappointed and frustrated.
Healing Tip: Practice seeing people for who they are, not who you want them to be. Ask questions and have open conversations instead of creating an idealized version of them in your mind.
- Hyperfocus on Others’ Opinions
Anxiously attached individuals often spend more time worrying about what others think than they do thinking about their own needs and values. This leads to constantly seeking external validation instead of building internal self-worth.
Healing Tip: Start shifting your focus inward. Practice self-reflection and self-approval. The goal is to build a sense of security that doesn’t depend on others’ opinions.
Take the Next Step Toward Healing
If you recognize yourself in these signs, it’s important to know that you can heal from anxious attachment and move toward a more secure attachment style. By using the right tools and doing the inner work, you can cultivate healthier relationships with both yourself and others.
Check out the workbooks I offer to guide you on this journey. Each workbook is filled with practical exercises and insights to help you break free from anxious patterns and find the security you deserve.
Remember, healing is possible—and it starts today.
