10 Signs You May Have a Disorganized Attachment Style (and How to Heal)
Attachment theory has become an insightful tool for understanding relationship dynamics, and the fearful-avoidant attachment style, often called the “disorganized” attachment, stands out as one of the most complex. Combining traits from both anxious and avoidant attachments, this style can make relationships feel tumultuous and unpredictable. Understanding the 10 signs of a disorganized attachment style can help you start the journey toward healing and building healthier, more secure relationships.
If any of these signs resonate with you, don't worry—you’re not alone. The good news is that healing is possible, and with the right guidance and resources, you can develop more secure attachment patterns. Check out the workbooks I offer, designed to guide you step by step toward a more securely attached way of living.
- Craving Intimacy but Fearing Commitment
Fearful-avoidants deeply desire closeness, but they’re also afraid of the very thing they want—commitment. You may find yourself pulling away once a relationship gets too close, fearing you'll lose your sense of self or get hurt. This fear is rooted in early experiences of enmeshment or betrayal, leading to the belief that love means losing your independence.
Healing Tip: Start small. Practice allowing yourself to be vulnerable in safe spaces. Acknowledge the discomfort that comes with intimacy, and learn how to set healthy boundaries instead of retreating.
Want to dive deeper? My "Workbook for disorganized Attachment style" offers exercises that teach you how to create emotional safety without losing your sense of self.
- Ricocheting Between Over-Responsibility and Under-Responsibility
Do you often find yourself unsure of who is at fault in your relationships? Fearful-avoidants frequently switch between feeling like everything is their fault and feeling like it’s entirely their partner’s responsibility. This back-and-forth can leave you confused about whether you’re being abusive or being abused.
Healing Tip: Focus on understanding your emotions and responses. Try journaling after disagreements to track your thought patterns and pinpoint where you're taking too much or too little responsibility.
- Believing You Don't Deserve Healthy Love
A common trait among fearful-avoidants is the belief that they are unworthy of love. You might feel like you’re inherently flawed or that the love you have to offer is toxic. This stems from deep-seated shame and a history of unstable relationships.
Healing Tip: It’s essential to challenge these negative beliefs. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that everyone deserves love and that healthy love starts with believing you're worthy of it.
- Hesitating to Open Up First
Fearful-avoidants are usually reluctant to open up emotionally, waiting for others to show vulnerability first. You may fear that sharing too much will give someone power over you, making you vulnerable to betrayal.
Healing Tip: Try opening up incrementally. Start by sharing small, non-threatening details about yourself and see how the other person responds. Gradual openness can help you build trust slowly.
The "Building Trust in Relationships Workbook" provides strategies to help you feel safe enough to start opening up in relationships.
- Struggling to Balance Logic and Emotion
A hallmark of the fearful-avoidant attachment style is switching between being overly logical and being emotionally reactive. You might find yourself making decisions based solely on feelings one day, only to focus entirely on logic the next.
Healing Tip: Practice integrating both logic and emotion when making decisions. Use grounding techniques to help regulate emotions so you can make balanced decisions that consider both your feelings and rational thought.
- Being Highly Aware of Power Dynamics
Do you often find yourself analyzing who has the upper hand in relationships? Fearful-avoidants are hyper-aware of power imbalances, constantly assessing who holds more control. This vigilance stems from a deep fear of being vulnerable or exploited.
Healing Tip: Recognize that healthy relationships aren’t about winning or losing. They’re about collaboration and mutual respect. Start by focusing on building trust and equality in your relationships.
- Difficulty Making Decisions Due to Inconsistent Feelings
Your emotions may change frequently, making it difficult to commit to long-term decisions. You might be enthusiastic one day but overwhelmed by doubt the next.
Healing Tip: Give yourself time to process before making significant decisions. When you notice emotional inconsistency, pause and reflect. Journaling your thoughts over time can help you identify patterns in your decision-making.
- An Ability to Read Others Well
Fearful-avoidants are often highly perceptive, able to pick up on subtle cues and unspoken emotions. This skill likely developed from growing up in environments where emotional cues were inconsistent or unreliable, forcing you to be hyper-vigilant.
Healing Tip: Use this ability to foster empathy rather than suspicion. While your intuition is powerful, learning to trust others based on their actions and consistency is key to building secure relationships.
- Addiction to Emotional Highs
Fearful-avoidants often seek emotional intensity, sometimes to avoid dealing with underlying pain. You may find yourself drawn to chaotic relationships or situations that offer an emotional rush, even if they’re unhealthy.
Healing Tip: Recognize when you’re seeking intensity as a distraction from pain or discomfort. Develop healthier ways to process emotions, like mindfulness or therapy, to reduce the need for emotional highs.
- Loving Hard but Struggling to Share Your Life
You may love deeply and intensely but struggle to make space for another person in your life. While you crave intimacy, the fear of losing control over your routines and independence can lead you to keep partners at arm's length.
Healing Tip: Learning to compromise without feeling like you’re losing yourself is essential for healthier relationships. Work on setting clear boundaries and communicating your needs openly with your partner.
My "Secure Attachment Workbook" includes specific exercises on how to balance personal independence with emotional intimacy in relationships.
